The Twins of Storybrooke: Apple Pie
by juicecupswanqueen
Summary: (A Swan Queen Story) The Swan-Mills family are having a lovely dinner together on a hot Maine Summer evening. For dessert, Regina's homemade apple pie and vanilla ice cream.


The Swan-Mills family are having a lovely dinner together on a hot Maine Summer evening. For dessert, Regina's homemade apple pie and vanilla ice cream.

 **HENRY** : Man, it's so hot! (wipes face with his hand, taking a break from his dessert)

 **SOPHIE** : (frowns over a big glob of Vanilla ice cream about to fill her mouth) Henry, who're you TALKING to?

 **AUDREY** : (sits ramrod straight in a prim Regina-like manner) Yeah. You're the only MAN at the table.

 **EMMA** : (half choke-laugh with spoon in her mouth)

 **HENRY** : (scoffs and mutters under breath) Yeah, thanks for reminding me that I'm outnumbered, you little monkey.

 **SOPHIE** : (giggles, coming to her sister's defense). Booger brain.

 **HENRY** : You twin Monsters.

 **SOPHIE** : BARF BUTT!

 **REGINA** : Excuse you both. We're trying to enjoy dessert. There will be no talk of _barf, butts and boogers,_ thank you very much. (spares a sarcastic glance at her wife) Never in my Enchanted Forest life did I think I would ever say a sentence like that.

 **AUDREY** : (laughs and then Sophie joins in)

 **EMMA** : (before taking another bite) You gotta admit. Their insults are getting better though.

 **REGINA** : (jokingly) Of course, YOU would encourage them.

 **EMMA** : No, really. It takes a uniquely talented mind to come up with _Barf Butt._ (looks at little Sophie, who puffs her chest out proudly) I mean, how does that even work?

 **REGINA** : (eyes goggle, an almost smile on her face at Emma, quickly shoots a look at her youngest daughter) Sophie dear, don't you dare elaborate.

 **AUDREY** : New WORD, Mommy!

 **SOPHIE** : Why can't I _laborate?_

 **REGINA** : (smiles cheekily) _Because,_ darling, you are half _Swan_ , and I'm sure your explanation would be… inappropriate for the dinner table. (smirks at Emma's raised eyebrows)

 **SOPHIE** : (thinks about it) I was going to say that at least I didn't call him _POOPY_ butt _._

HENRY explodes in laughter, dropping his fork on his plate while Regina closes her eyes and puckers her lips in a _I-knew-it_ manner. Emma silently laughs. DNA test not required.

 **REGINA** : I rest my case. (fixes Emma, who just rolls her eyes, with a smug stare)

 **AUDREY** : Mommy? What's _nappropriate_ mean?

 **HENRY** : Ma. (dodges balled-up napkin Emma throws at him)

 **AUDREY** : (scrunches face up in confusion)

 **EMMA** : Relax, Aud. You have your whole _life_ to learn words from your mother, the _walking dictionary,_ over there.

 **SOPHIE** : Yeah! (about to scoop more apple Pie and ice cream into her mouth) Mommy _laborates_ us all the smart, big words and Ma _laborates_ us all the _nappropriate_ ones. We'll be the smartest kids in Storybrooke.

 **HENRY** : (snickers into his coffee) You're already the funniest kids, no doubt.

 **SOPHIE** : (pulls a thumbs up sign) AND we're the most _cutest!_

 **AUDREY** : (smug smile and then proud beam at Regina) AND the most _refined._

 **HENRY** : SO full of themselves. And at 5 too.

 **EMMA** : That's the _Mills_ half. (aims a daring smile at Regina when Regina tilts her head to the side and raises an eyebrow) Come at me with an argument. You know I'll win this one, babe.

 **AUDREY** : Would you say Auntie Z is full of herself too?

 **EMMA** : (snorts under her breath) She's full of _something._

 **SOPHIE** : Moms, can Robyn come over this weekend for a playdate?

 **REGINA** : I'll have to check with Zelena…

 **EMMA** : She's already coming over. (at Regina's surprise) I forgot to tell you. Z called this morning. Her green _broom-mobile_ is making funny noises so I told her I'd look at it.

 **REGINA** : (goes quiet)

 **SOPHIE** : JOKE TIME! I got a good one! (taps her pie crust with her spoon)

 **HENRY** : ME TOO! (jumps right in laughing inwardly at Sophie's annoyed expression) What does a nosy pepper do?

 **AUDREY** : Sneezes?

 **HENRY** : No! It gets _jalapeno_ business. (laughs, slapping thigh)

 **SOPHIE** : (opens her mouth but Henry interrupts her, she crosses her arms with a grumpy expression) _Harumph!_

 **HENRY** : How do you make a tissue dance?

 **EMMA** : I know this one!

 **HENRY** : (aims a very Regina-like look at her) Don't give it away, Ma!

 **REGINA** : (scoffing, quiet laugh when Emma crosses her arms and looks very much like a bothered SOPHIE)

 **AUDREY** : You hold it up to make it move?

 **HENRY** : No! You put a little _boogie_ in it?

 **AUDREY** : Huh? (looks at her brunette mother) What's boogie?

 **HENRY** : (as Regina opens her mouth to answer) Snot!

 **REGINA** : (glares at her son) Yet _another_ word not allowed at the dinner table.

 **SOPHIE** : Geez, Mommy. What will we ever talk about? (Brightens) Okay, my turn! What does Ma…

 **HENRY** : Mom can you pass the sugar?

 **SOPHIE** : HENRY!

 **AUDREY** : (rolls her eyes) Here we go again.

 **EMMA** : What is going on with you two? (eyes dart between Henry and Sophie)

 **SOPHIE** : Henry's being a rude _rudie patootie!_

 **REGINA** : (watches Henry cross his arms) Henry?

 **HENRY** : (sees both his moms expecting an explanation) Okay. You want to know what's _rude?_ When you run into an old friend and your sisters spend the entire time making kissing noises and batting their eye lashes.

 **AUDREY** : I made ONE kissy noise…

 **SOPHIE** : Nuh-uh! You made TWO!

 **AUDREY** : You were the one that did the rest. (tilts head back and forth, making loud kissing sounds into the air)

 **SOPHIE** : HE SHOULD HAVE KISSED HER!

 **EMMA** : (Emma smiles at Henry but asks at the same time Regina does) Kissed who?

EMMA and REGINA look at each other and there is a whisper of a smile on Regina's face while Emma winks at her.

 **SOPHIE** : (in a teasing tone) Paaaaige.

 **REGINA** : Paige is back in Storybrooke? We haven't seen her since Christmas.

 **HENRY** : (nods and blushes) Yeah. For a month this summer.

 **REGINA** : (before taking a bite of pie) Is she liking California? UC Berkeley?

 **HENRY** : Uh… yeah.

 **AUDREY** : Henry, you're almost as red as your t-shirt.

 **EMMA** : (bites the inside of her cheek to keep from laughing at her son, clears throat before addressing the twins) You know you two, it's not nice to embarrass your brother in front of people. (nudges Henry's shoulder and notices a sparkle in her wife's eyes) Unless it's in front of your mom and me. That's allowed.

 **SOPHIE** : I wasn't embarrassinghim! I was trying to _help_ him!

 **HENRY** : _What?_

 **AUDREY** : It's true, Henry. Soph and I KNOW you haven't got any _moves_ , so we thought we'd let Paige know how much you like her. It'd be easier for you.

 **EMMA** : (sits back and can't help snickering)

 **HENRY** : I've got moves!

 **AUDREY** **&** **SOPHIE** : (look at each other and roll their eyes)

 **HENRY** : (to them) I'm a _Charming!_

 **REGINA** : (titters into napkin, jokingly) Not _exactly_ a winning endorsement.

 **EMMA** : (to Regina) Hey!

REGINA's smile widens and Emma can't help being captivated.

 **AUDREY** : Paige broke up with her boyfriend months ago.

 **REGINA** : (at Henry's surprised look) How do you know that?

 **AUDREY** : I asked her when Henry was chasing Soph around.

 **SOPHIE** : See?! (plants palms on table top) Henry! Make your mooooove!

 **HENRY** : I… (nonchalant shrug)… Maybe I'm not looking for a girlfriend. (picks up coffee mug)

 **SOPHIE** : (pensive look and then at Henry) Boyfriend?

 **AUDREY** : That'd be okay too, Henry. We'd love you anyway.

SOPHIE nods emphatically beside her sister and Henry smiles at them.

 **HENRY** : I like girls.

 **SOPHIE** : (erupts) Then what're you waiting for?! You're single. She's single. (gestures with her palms out) You like her. _She_ likes you.

 **HENRY** : _She does?_ (notices both his moms' questioning looks) I mean… she does?

The twins break out in laughter and AUDREY shakes her head while SOPHIE grabs the crown of hers.

 **THE TWINS** : HENRY!

 **AUDREY** : Her voice changes when she talks to you. She gets the same funny look in her eyes that you do. _And_ she plays with her hair.

 **SOPHIE** : Yeah, that _funny_ look. The same one as the Moms get when they look at each other.

 **EMMA** : What funny look?

 **AUDREY** : That _True Love, Lovey-Dovey, you-are-my-heart-and-SOUL_ look.

 **REGINA** : (lovingly looks at Emma, picks up her coffee)

 **SOPHIE** : Especially when they come down on Saturday mornings after sleeping in and bed-wrestling.

 **REGINA** : (chokes on her coffee and coughs a little)

 **EMMA** : (amused) Oh. _That_ look.

 **HENRY** : (under his breath) Ew.

 **AUDREY** : I like Paige, Henry.

 **SOPHIE** : Me too!

 **AUDREY** : She smells nice. She doesn't talk to us like we're babies either.

 **SOPHIE** : And she's pretty! And smart! And likes baking cupcakes. (pauses as if suddenly remembering something) Nick says she's got great _bazoongas!_

 **REGINA** : (sighs at Emma, who is chuckling at their son's discomfort) Yet, another word for the _Restricted List._

 **SOPHIE** : (more to herself) I think that's a funny thing to call her _legs_.

 **EMMA** : I think we're getting a little off topic. I think you two should let your brother worry about his own love life, okay?

 **REGINA** : Yes. No matter how good your intentions were, you need to consider other people's feelings and behave yourself properly in public. Is that understood?

The twins nod and SOPHIE pushes her chair back. She wanders around the table to Henry and smacks his stomach, making him push his seat back. She climbs up onto his lap and faces him, slaps his cheeks and makes him look her in the eyes.

 **SOPHIE** : I'm sorry for embarrassing you, Henry. And I love you. Even if you're a _Booger Butt…_

 **EVERYONE ELSE INCLUDING REGINA** : _Barf Butt._

 **SOPHIE** : …sometimes.

 **HENRY** : (pretends to think it over and attacks her, blowing a long loud raspberry on her neck)

 **SOPHIE** : (wiggling and laughing uncontrollably) Henry! Stop! (more laughs as Audrey laughs too) Stop it! Your _beard_ is tickling me!

 **HENRY** : Thanks. (jokes) I _kinda_ love you too, Soph. I'm sorry for interrupting you before. You got a joke for us?

 **SOPHIE** : (excited) Yep! (turns on Henry's lap and leans back against his chest) It's a good one too! Ma! What do you like sticking in Mommy's pie? (points to the homemade apple pie)

 **HENRY** : Oh God. (closes his eyes and rests his forehead on the back of his little sister's head)

 **REGINA** : (levels a glance at Emma that just silently says "behave")

 **EMMA** : (cheeky grin at her wife) Hmmm… I can think of a few things. (Regina tilts her head with a pointed smile)

 **AUDREY** : Your _teeth,_ Ma.

 **EMMA** : You don't say.

 **SOPHIE** : Aud! You gave the answer away!

 **AUDREY** : You said it wrong _anyway._ The joke goes, "What is the best thing to put _into_ a pie?".

 **EMMA** : (eyes never leaving Regina) Still works.

 **HENRY** : (glances at his moms gazing adoringly at each other) OK! I've had enough. (pushes chair back and gets up with Sophie) Come on, Minions. Let's get these dishes into the kitchen and help the moms out.

 **AUDREY** : Can I wash?

 **HENRY** : No. I'll wash. You guys dry and we'll put them away together.

 **SOPHIE** : Sweet deal!

 **REGINA** : (leans over the side of the chair) No broken dishes.

 **SOPHIE** : _Chillax,_ Mom.

 **AUDREY** : We've got this.

REGINA tucks her chin out and both girls know what to do. They each smile and kiss a cheek. Then they follow their brother passed the door into the kitchen.

EMMA's heart races in anticipation as she watches her wife sit back, stare in open interest at her and push her chair back, rising slowly. Her throat dries as REGINA saunters seductively around the table toward her and when she reaches her, like SOPHIE had to HENRY, REGINA smacks EMMA's tummy lightly. EMMA pushes her chair back enough so that Regina sinks down onto her lap, crossing her legs and circling her arms around EMMA's neck.

 **REGINA** : Darling, I wish you had told me about Zelena's call sooner.

 **EMMA** : I'm sorry, babe. I didn't think we had anything planned.

 **REGINA** : Well, not officially. But I had an idea or two on how I wanted to spend our day tomorrow. (begins to place soft, wet kisses on Emma's neck)

 **EMMA** : Well then, (voice cracks when she feels Regina lick her pulse point) you're _really_ going to love me. My dad was around when I got the call, so he offered to let me borrow some tools. He, Mom and Neal are coming over tomorrow too. The whole Motley Crew will be here. (Regina bites down hard) _OUCH!_

 **REGINA** : Really, Mrs. Swan- _Mills._ Sometimes, I think you are a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

 **EMMA** : (feigns ignorance) What kind of sandwiches? (REGINA moves to get up, Emma grabs her and keeps her captive in her lap, giggling) Sorry. I'm sorry. I had no idea we had _unofficial_ plans, babe. What did you want to do?

EMMA uncrosses REGINA's arms and places them around her neck again. Her hand slowly glides up her wife's thigh. It is her turn to kiss Regina's neck and she alternates between nipping, sucking and licking, loving the way Regina responds to it.

 **REGINA** : (breathy) Emma…

 **EMMA** : Did you want to go shopping? Antique-ing? Buy more _kale_ that I will happily shovel into my mouth only to spit out into a napkin when you're not looking.

 **REGINA** : For your information, _babe,_ I had quite the day planned.

 **EMMA** : Oh?

 **REGINA** : Henry's got a beach party all day.

 **EMMA** : Oh. Oh yeah.

 **REGINA** : And I was going to send the girls to _Zelena's_ for a play date.

 **EMMA** : Oh. Okay.

 **REGINA** : So you and I could have the whole _house_ to ourselves. For _hours!_

 **EMMA** : (catches on) _Ohhhh!_

 **REGINA** : (puts their foreheads together) You. Me. _Bed-wrestling..._

 **EMMA** : OH!

 **REGINA** : … and _couch-_ wrestling…

 **EMMA** : _OH!_

 **REGINA** : And any other surface we could find to wrestle on.

 **EMMA** : _OH DAMN!_

 **REGINA** : "Oh Damn" is right! (sucks on Emma's earlobe and chuckles) What do you think about all that?

 **EMMA** : (gasps and moans) I think I need to call Zelena and tell her to find a mechanic because my ass is getting _ravaged_ by her sister tomorrow.

 **REGINA** : (giggles and pulls away) We can't do that.

 **EMMA** : What?

 **REGINA** : You made me a hostess tomorrow.

 **EMMA** : (sulks) I'd rather make you a decorative ornament over the arm of the sofa tomorrow.

 **REGINA** : (chuckles) I'll pick up some chicken and ribs in the morning from the market. Apple chicken sausages for the children.

 **EMMA** : Kids eat _hot dogs,_ Regina.

 **REGINA** : _My_ kids don't put that crap into their bodies.

 **EMMA** : (snorts, perks up). But we still have bed-wrestling in the morning right? (when Regina looks doubtful, Emma gestures to kitchen) The kids _expect_ it already. They don't totally get what's going on but they appreciate that you and I need to _wrestle things out._ In private.

 **REGINA** : (thinks about it) What time is Z coming over?

 **EMMA** : Eleven.

 **REGINA** : And Snow and David?

 **EMMA** : (scrunches face) 10:30?

When REGINA gives her side-eyes and sighs dubiously, EMMA slouches in defeat.

 **EMMA** : Damn.

 **REGINA** : We'll barbecue. It'll be the perfect day for it. And I've got a fireball for your father if he thinks he's setting foot near our grill.

 **EMMA** : (disappointed sigh, mopes) I'm not happy. (pouts dramatically at her wife with puppy dog eyes)

 **REGINA** : Awww…

REGINA grabs EMMA's chin and kisses her lightly once, then a little longer the second time. On the third she runs the tip of her tongue softly along the seam of EMMA's lips. EMMA reacts immediately, massaging and stroking her wife's legs and administering a dizzying opened mouth kiss. REGINA closes her fists around golden locks. They are so into it, they don't see the swinging kitchen door open slightly.

 **AUDREY** : They're _sucking face_ again, you guys.

 **HENRY** : (sounds of water running) Geez. TMI, Aud.

 **SOPHIE** : (peeks out holding a dish towel, turns back and says over her shoulder) And Ma's got her hands on Mommy's _bazoongas!_

A loud crash is heard. EMMA & REGINA separate slightly and chuckle at each other as the door shuts, their daughters distracted by the loud crash.

 **SOPHIE** : (behind the door) Uh-oh. Way to go, bro _._

 **AUDREY** : HENRY BROKE A _DIIIIIIIIISH!_

EMMA and REGINA collapse into each other, hugging, laughing and finally kissing again.


End file.
